Camelot Lost
by SkyeSoul
Summary: AU for The Coming of Arthur p2. The druids whispered of Emrys as the downfall of Morgana. When she took over Camelot, she was not going to let that happen. Reveal!Fic. T for some torture & other themes. No slash, canon relationships.
1. Chapter 1

**Begins when Morgana and Morgause first successfully take over Camelot with Cenred's immortal army.**

Morgana had everything she wanted. She sat on the throne of Camelot, with Morgause by her side and Uther in chains. The only thing that bothered her were the Druids, and those with magic. She could not understand why they would not join her cause; she wanted to restore magic to its rightful place in the kingdom, and promised mercy and kindness to anyone who stood with her. And yet, they would rather be executed than to be free.

There were many who were accepting her rule uneasily, but the Druids, and those without magic, stood against her to the death. And when she pressed, they would always say the same thing.

"We believe in Emrys."

She read the Druid books, and overheard them talking before she entered camps; Emrys, destined to be the downfall of Morgana. Emrys, the most powerful sorceror to ever live. She had heard the name before, but never paid it much attention until now. She would not admit it, but the reverence the Druids held scared her.

She stalked down to the dungeons, where she had Aglain held.

"Who is this Emrys the Druids speak of?" She asked, walking up to the cell.

The dark man turned his head away. "I would never betray Emrys to you."

She opted for pacifism before force. "It does not have to be this way, you know. Whoever Emrys is, we do not have to fight. We can work together to bring magic to this kingdom."

"You have become bitter and cruel, Morgana. Emrys will bring magic to the kingdom by uniting all people. You have brought it back through cruelty and fear. That is never something he, nor we, believe in."

The witch cursed and said, "I will find out who Emrys is. There are always ways of knowing." She doubted highly he could stop them, but it is always better to take care of threats before they linger.

She was sure the enchantment existed to discover who Emrys is. Surely some sort of scrying would achieve it; and even if she could not find out who it was, Morgause surely could.

"Sister," she said, entering the council room. "I have been thinking on this Emrys the Druids speak of; I am sure he is no threat, but it is better safe than sorry. We must find out who he is, before he becomes an issue."

Morgause turned her head. "You are right, but how will we find out who he is?"

"Surely there is a scrying spell, or some incantation we could use to find out? Or some source we could consult? Barring anything else, we could force the knowledge from one of the Druids."

"I would rather not like to force the knowledge out of someone, the support we have of sorcerers is tenuous enough."

Morgana narrowed her eyes. "Then what shall we do?"

"There is a spell," Morgause replied. "A spell that allows scrying - most scrying spells require you be intimate with the target, or the you have precise knowledge of their location. Others, however, like not knowing the identity or location of the target, require greater energy. They are impractical, usually. The energy required would drain a human of their life in mere minutes. But luckily," Morgause said, "we have the perfect energy source sitting in our dungeons."

"It would be ironic," Morgana agreed, "For him to die at the hands of magic. And in his own throne room." She smiled with a sinister glint, and Morgause joined her.

Morgana had been looking for a way to kill Uther Pendragon, and at the hands of magic was the perfect way to do so. She would rather kill him sooner than later; she did not want the false king hanging around for one second longer than necessary.

The knights of the round table had hatched a plan; they were all knighted, and plan to march on Camelot soon. The knights would free Uther, and Merlin and Lancelot would stop the warning bell from going off.

But Merlin had told Gaius of the real plan.

"Be safe, my boy." Gaius had said. "You know that Morgana and Morgause will keep that room heavily guarded."

Merlin merely nodded as he hugged his mentor. "With the sword, I should be fine." Merlin said that for his own benefit as much as he did his mentors.

They had finished the preparations; the bowl of pure water was in the center of the throne room, across from a circle of runes drawn on the floor.

They were an energy transfer pattern, allowing someone to share their energy with a caster for a spell. Commonly used for pooling energy for difficult spells, but bastardized by Morgana and Morgause. I addition, two metal hooks had been drilled into the floor; to keep Uther in place in the runes without being held down by others.

Morgana's face lit up as Uther was dragged into the room by the guards. Uther's face paled as he saw the runes, and fought tooth and nail to keep away from the runes. However, he was too weak for the four guards that brought him in, chaining his shackles to the guards in the runes. As soon as he was secured, they stepped away from the circle.

"Hello Uther," Morgana hissed.

"Let me out!" Uther screamed. "Morgana, why are you doing this?"

"Don't you know, father?"

Uther's eyes widened at the statement.

"You've been persecuting those with magic for years. After I found out I had magic, I saw the way you treated us. You killed the innocent and hunted those with magic like dogs."

"It doesn't have to be this way," said Uther. "Don't let the magic do this to you!"

"But father," she said again for emphasis, "The magic isn't making me do this. I am. I am choosing to put an end to your tyranny. So many innocent people you have killed. I am making this stand for them."

"You don't know what you're doing!" Uther said. "Morgana, please see!"

Morgana merely turned her head and strode towards the bowl. Morgause walked on the other end behind Uther, and began incanting for the spell.

Slowly the runes lit up on the floor, light shining from them.

"What are you doing?" Asked a panicked Uther. Morgause maintained her chanting while Morgana asked of the bowl,

"Show me the sorcerer Emrys."

The water swirled and lit up, searching for the young warlock.

Merlin and Lancelot had ran throughout the castle for the cup of life, but neither hide nor hair could be found of it.

"I don't think they brought the cup here," said Merlin. "If I were them, I'd have left it at home too."

"But we can't defeat them here then!" Said Lancelot.

"There's nothing we can do," Merlin said. "We'll just have to get to the warning bell."

They were well on their way when they collided with Arthur and the others.

"What are you doing here?" He hissed. "You're nowhere near the bells!"

Merlin dodged the question. "What are you doing here, you're nowhere near the dungeons!"

"He wasn't in the dungeons," Arthur said.

It was then that they noticed Uther yelling in the distance.

"What are you doing to me!" His father's voice rang out.

"It's coming from the throne room!" Said Arthur. He took off, the group running behind him.

Merlin knew he couldn't use the sword; he couldn't be seen using a sword that kills the undead. He kept it safely sheathed and dodged the soldiers with the others.

"What are you doing," Uther began mumbling. He felt his strength being drained, felt the life leaving him. His heart was full of sorrow as he lost consciousness.

As Uther sunk to the ground, the bowl's image resolved.

It was a picture of Merlin, running through the castle. Merlin, running towards the throne room. Merlin and the knights, heading straight for the throne room doors.

It was at that moment that they burst through the doors.

Morgana turned to Merlin, eyes wide.

"Emrys!"

'Shit,' Merlin thought. 'I'm as good as dead.' His hands began shaking against his will. As if he wasn't scared enough.

"Morgana," Arthur said, ignoring Morgana's comment. It was then his eyes fell on his father's still figure.

"What have you done to him!" He shouted, running over to his father's still figure.

"What we should have done a long time ago," Morgana said. "We killed Uther Pendragon."

Arthur turned to Morgana, his face full of rage. He ran at her, only for Morgause to brush away his sword with a flick of her wristband a flash of her eyes.

"You killed my father!"

"But didn't you know, dear brother? He was mine as well."

His face fell momentarily in shock, before yelling "Liar!"

"I wish I was," Morgana said. "But I heard the words out of his own mouth."

She let the silence permeate. Arthur lunged for her once again, reaching for a dagger in his boot, but then Morgause immobilized him and all of the knights. They were lifted into the air by their hands, as an invisible force caught them.

"It's alright, dear brother. I will always consider Gorlois my father."

It was then that Morgana turned to Merlin. He steeled himself for what was coming, and said the words to Arthur that he hoped wouldn't come so soon.

"I'm so sorry, Arthur. Everything I did was for you. To protect you."

Merlin was met with a quizzical facial expression from Arthur, but his heart dropped knowing what it would turn to all too soon.

"I don't know why you would have done that." Said Morgana. "Protected him and Uther, protected anyone in Camelot. You know they hunt our kind."

Merlin's eyes stayed trained on Arthur. He watched his face turn to denial.

"After all, why would a sorcerer defend Camelot?"

He heard the gasps from the other newly minted knights, but all he could see was Arthur.

Arthur's shock, written on his face with raised eyebrows. Arthur's hurt, as he closed his eyes and pursed his lips. Arthur's anger. Arthur's eyes, narrowed towards his friend in a way he'd never seen, before turning his head away to hide his tear.

Merlin felt his heart break at the sight of his friend glaring at him in such a way. He had imagined telling Arthur in so many ways. Telling him maybe one day, when he was King and the land was reaching peace. When Morgana had been defeated, and magic had long since stopped plaguing their lands. But he never imagined it being so soon, and never like this.

"Everything I do is for you," Merlin said weakly. "Not all magic is bad, not all magic corrupts."

Morgana laughed, almost cackled. "Not only that, but your servant Merlin is fabled to be the most powerful sorcerer that has ever lived, or will ever live. It's a little hard to believe," she said, looking over at Merlin, "but the Druids seem to think so."

Merlin looked at Arthur, tears falling from his eyes. He didn't care that they were in front of sworn enemies, in front of all the knights. He just couldn't bear Arthur's hatred.

"I swear, everything I've done is for you and Camelot!" Merlin shouted. "I saved Uther from the manticore's poison, I saved Camelot from the griffin, I stopped the sorcerer Cornelius Sigan, I did this all for you!" Merlin shouted.

Merlin saw Arthur shaking.

"I believe in you. I believe you'll become the greatest king Camelot has ever known." Morgana and Morgause scoffed to themselves, but Merlin ignored it.

"Arthur, I-"

"SHUT UP!" Arthur screamed, turning his head to face Merlin. "You're just another sorcerer who betrayed me!"

Merlin's heart broke, but he hung his head quietly.

"Magic is evil! It's killed both of my parents now, it's turned Morgana against us, and now it's got you too! What was it you were going to do? Kill me and take the throne yourself? Capture me, and let someone else into the kingdom? How can I possibly believe you saved us from all those threats, Merlin!"

Morgana nodded to Morgause, who slipped away quietly.

Arthur stopped and spoke more quietly. "How can you possibly be, Merlin? You're just a clumsy idiot. You've been lying to me all this time."

"But I haven't!" Merlin said, shouting now out of desperation. "I am the clumsy fool you know! That's always been me! I haven't lied."

Arthur thought back to all the signs. All the times Merlin made threats he couldn't make good on, all of the times he gave sage advice - almost as if he had seen the world a knight has. The mysterious good luck that having Merlin along always brought.

"You haven't even been hiding it very well." Arthur gave an empty smile. "I can't believe I didn't see it before. Even if you hadn't been working against me, magic is illegal in Camelot. Even if it hadn't yet, it would have corrupted you too." Arthur's face hardened.

"There can be no place for sorcerers in Camelot."

Morgana smiled as Morgause returned, holding two silver bands in her hands, runes engraved along their insides. She walked over to Merlin, holding the bands in her hands.

Merlin saw her waking over, and flung his magic and Morgana and Morgause. They were thrown back, but their binding spell did not let them go. Morgause rose, sour expression on her face as she rushed over to Merlin.

"No," Merlin said as she got closer. He could feel the magic on the shackles and wanted nothing to do with them.

"No!" Merlin shouted again as she got closer. He knocked her back one more time, but she deflected the energy with her hands and it instead hit the wall, crumbling it.

She clasped the band around his arm, and then the other, and then all Merlin knew was pain.

Merlin failed to notice the spell had ended on him as he dropped to the ground. He felt the magic of the bands pressing his own down, suffocating it and crushing it. He could not be separated from his magic like that, and it felt like someone was sitting on his chest, pressing on his entire body.

Merlin fought to hold a scream in as he squinted up at Morgana and Morgause.

"Those bands," Morgause said, "are designed to prevent someone from using their magic. Normally they don't cause a sorcerer pain, but you're more than a sorcerer, aren't you Merlin?" She smiled wickedly.

"What do you mean," asked Lancelot, more for Arthur's benefit than his own.

"Merlin is a warlock. A warlock is not like a sorcerer; sorcerers study and choose to use magic. Warlocks are born with it, and cannot deny themselves. It is like their breath or their heart - to stop using it would mean certain death." Morgause smiled.

"And so Merlin shall die slowly, and painfully."

Merlin's eyes blazing gold peered up at Arthur, seeing only the conflicting anger and concern on his face before succumbing to unconsciousness.

Arthur could not believe it.

He hardly noticed as the guards chained him up, as they led him to the cells.

Merlin was a sorcerer.

Merlin was more than that - he was a warlock.

He was the most powerful warlock the world had ever seen.

Arthur didn't want to believe it. He saw Merlin easily throw the witches back, and saw him fight against the binding shackles. He was certainly a very powerful sorcerer, but he was just Merlin.

He was goofy and clumsy and foolish and ran out on fools errands and always nearly got himself killed.

Well, almost nearly. If he was such a powerful sorcerer, than maybe they weren't so foolish of him to go on after all.

But why would a sorcerer be in Camelot? Morgana was right, he was not welcomed here. He did not belong here. Frankly, Arthur was surprised he simply wasn't in league with Morgana already - everyone with magic wished to see the Pendragons dead.

The knights were thrown into the dungeon cell and shackled to the walls, and unconscious Merlin was thrown in there along with them. The cells were packed already, and they got the only empty cell left. It was cramped quarters, but they would make do.

The companions sat in silence as they thought about what was just revealed.

"I always had a suspicion," said Gwaine after a while. Arthur raised his head a little, as did the others.

"When we first met, in that bar fight, he was throwing plates. Without his hands. I chose never to confront him about it or mention it to him, but I watched him closely there for a while. He's never been anything but loyal to you, from what I've seen."

Arthur scoffed and turned away. In a way, that's not what he wanted to hear. It would be so much simpler if Merlin were evil. If even one sorcerer existed that was not evil, that would mean not all magic was evil. That would mean that all of the actions he and his father had taken together, to eliminate magic, were wrong. Not only wrong, but cruel. Arthur couldn't accept that truth. Magic killed his mother and father, and so many of his brothers in battle, that he was blinded to the truth.

"I knew too," said Lancelot. "He was the one that saved me from the griffin. We've been close friends since I returned, so he'd have someone to talk to."

Arthur's head shot up. "Anyone else going to tell me they knew that my closest..." His breath caught, "servant, was a sorcerer?"

Percival looked up uncertainly. "I always knew there was something off about the boy. Things always went so well around him. I've kept my eye on him and always watched him closely - even followed him at times. Whenever he ran away, it was always to help you in some way." It was rare that Percival spoke so much, so much so that everyone fell silent at his words.

Arthur scowled and turned away. "Everything bad that's happened in this kingdom really started when he showed up. He must have had something to do with it; there were not nearly so many killings or attempts during my childhood."

Sir Leon spoke up, being quite a few years older than Arthur. "Sire," he began uncertainly. "There really was. You weren't aware since you usually weren't involved in it, but magical things have always happened to your father. Ever since the purge started, there has been more violence and betrayal in the court. What's really strange is since he's arrived, there hasn't been nearly as much."

"It doesn't matter!" Arthur snapped, frustrated. "He used magic, and that's the end of it."

They all leaned against the wall, and lost themselves in thought. Gwaine couldn't help but think to himself that if Arthur hasn't noticed the strange things about Merlin yet, than the king really was as dense as Merlin said. It seemed that of all the knights, Arthur was the last one to have caught on to this secret.

All Merlin knew was the pain. He swam to the surface, only to be greeted with the fire in his heart and in his limbs, knowing his eyes were still burning a faded gold. His magic fought against it, the oppression, painfully and resolutely.

Merlin wished it would stop, but he knew if be stopped it his end would soon follow. He would come to the surface and hear his comrades (if they could still be called such) talking.

"He hasn't eaten in a day and a half, shouldn't we feed him something?"

"Unless they give us soup, there's not much better than the dirty water were giving him."

Merlin felt the hunger in his stomach, but the pain overwhelmed him as he sunk again into unconscious painlessness.

Merlin finally roused himself, knowing that if he didn't eat his end would be that much quicker. Regardless of if they wanted his help, he would give it to them until he met his end.

Merlin opened his eyes, limbs still burning and aching from the bands. He could feel his magic grow a little weaker, but not enough to dull the burning in his limbs. He immediately hitched his breath to keep from moaning from the pain.

"Look," Gwaine said. "Merlin's awake."

Merlin focused on his breathing, and it shook as he said "how long has it been?"

"Days," said Leon.

Merlin looked around at the others, and they all avoided his gaze except for Lancelot. His eyes searched for Arthur, and just as he looked up Arthur looked away. He could see some of the anger written on Arthur's face, and Merlin feared the worst for their friendship.

"It's the eyes," Lancelot said, by way of explanation.

Merlin remembered the way he must look, and closed his eyes. "There's nothing I can do to stop it." Merlin shook, his breath catching at the end as a moan sneaked past his defenses. He clutched his side and curled against the wall, shaking.

Quite apart from the pain from the cuffs, Merlin felt a pain in his heart. Of all the ways for Arthur to find out, this he would have chosen last. And of all the ways for Arthur to react, he was hoping it wouldn't be like this.

Merlin could feel his heart breaking. It didn't matter whether or not he personally made it out of this alive, for even if he did he would have to flee Camelot. Even if Arthur was merciful enough not to try to execute him, he would most certainly be banished. Merlin wondered where he would then go. He could hardly go back to Ealdor; his mother would only be out in danger by his presence, and the rest of the town didn't want him there. He supposed he would seek out the Druids. There, he could find guidance for his magic and understand the words of the great dragon; that he would help unite the land of Albion. One could never know - perhaps he was not meant for this destiny until he and Arthur were quite old, decades from now. All Merlin knew is that his life as it was was over.

"We have some bread for you," Gwaine said, offering up a piece they saved. He placed it in Merlin's hand. "You're going to need the strength."

Merlin wanted to protest, but was too weak to do so as it was placed in his hand. He ate small bites of the bread. Why would he take their food, when it was wasted on him anyways.

"So what's going on in Camelot?" He asked, keeping his eyes closed for the others, and for himself. His eyes were pressed shut, the pain hard to bear long enough to talk.

"Morgana is cowing over the people of Camelot by having the current knights execute the civilians when they protest," said Elyan. Merlin blanched at the thought and coughed on his food.

"Yeah, we know," said Leon. "There isn't much we can do. They're beginning not to protest, anymore. But Morgana isn't stopping."

"Morgana is cruel," said Percival. "She and Morgause have brought terror to Camelot, especially using an army that can't be killed."

Merlin figured he should tell them about the Cup, since they already knew about his magic. "I know how to stop the undead army," said Merlin.

Everyone stopped dead and looked at Merlin.

Merlin opened his eyes and said, "They are made immortal by the cup of life, an artifact from the Old Religion. If a drop of your blood is in the cup, you become immortal."

"However," Merlin continued, "by spilling the blood from the cup, you are killed. The cup turns you undead, and you can be killed by having the connection broken. That's what Lancelot and I were doing, instead of disabling the warning bells. Trying to find the cup and empty it."

Arthur finally turned, though Merlin couldn't see - his eyes were still closed. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"You wouldn't have believed me, or questioned how I knew."

Arthur was silenced by the comment. He couldn't believe Merlin hid this information from him - if he'd gotten it earlier it could have turned the tide of this battle. However, he feared Merlin was right. Merlin so often tells him ridiculous things that he brushes off, and there would be no reason for him to believe Merlin telling him Morgana's army is immortal. By the time he saw the evidence, it was too late for Merlin to say. And after the fact, he would have questioned that kind of knowledge. If it weren't for the brazen display of loyalty by Merlin either, he would suspect now more than ever that he was in league with Morgana.

Then again, if this ridiculous thing Merlin said turned out to be true, maybe some of the other ludicrous things Merlin's said were true. How many times had Merlin warned him of a danger, only to have Arthur brush it off until the last second?

"The cup isn't in the castle anymore. I think they left it behind, before coming to Camelot. We have to travel to Cenred's kingdom, to his castle most likely, to find it."

"Does Gaius know of this?" Asked Arthur. "If not, it's imperative one of us break out as soon as possible to let the rest of the knights know."

"He knows about the cup, but not that it isn't in Camelot. And neither can he tell anyone to go get it if we don't; who would believe him and not ask questions, either? He is in the same position I was."

"I guess that settles it," said Gwaine. "We have to get out of this mess alive."

It was then Morgana walked by the cell.

"Oh good," cooed Morgana, "Our little sorcerer is awake. My sister has some questions for you."

Merlin and the others blanched as a guard came in and lifted him out of the room, leaving the others behind.

"Don't worry," Morgana spat at the knights. "He'll be back soon enough."

Silence reigned in the cell for a long time. Eventually, Percival broke the silence.

"If they're trying to get information out of Merlin, we won't have much time." Everyone knew why Percival said that.

It was Arthur who spoke next. "I think we have been too quick… to underestimate Merlin."

Merlin was brought to a cell he'd never seen before; big and on the lower levels, it had only one spot for shackles on the wall.

"Emrys," Morgause said. "I would dispose of you now, but we have some need of you."

Merlin glared, as he shakily looked up at Morgause from his position hanging on the wall.

"You see," Morgause said, "The resistance has been giving us quite a but of trouble lately. Even without Arthur and the noble knights, they're still attacking our patrols and rallying forces. We can't allow this to go on."

Morgause approached Merlin. "We're going to need you to tell us where to find them."

"Never," Merlin spat.

"Very well then," said Morgause. "Your friends will hear your punishment." She pointed up at an exposed grate in the ceiling.

"I've made sure of it."

She opened the box she had been holding, and a snake rose from its depths. Merlin's eyes widened, as he had heard the stories from Gaius.

"This is a Nathair," said Morgause, "and if you can stand up to the pain he causes for very long I will be impressed. But by your facial expression, you already know."

The Nathair bit Merlin, and he lost himself.

The fire the magic-suppressing bands caused was nothing next to what the Nathair did to them. The fire radiated from his core, reaching all of his limbs. His muscles seized as he was powerless to fight against the pain. The venom blazed a trail through his limbs, and his voice tore as it ripped through the air. His magic fought harder and emanated from him in an attempt to end his pain.

Merlin was dimly aware of Morgause feeling his magic, and said "Just let me know when you want it to end."

Merlin cried as he screamed, feeling his throat break.

The knights of the round table heard Merlin's cries drag on, counting the minutes he lasted. Morgause had come by to tell them that by betraying Camelot's location, they could end his pain.

"Well at least we can be sure Merlin is on our side," said Lancelot, for Arthur's benefit. With the pain laced in Merlin's cries, everyone knew why. Pain like that cannot be faked - the knights were even taught to try.

'Damnit,' thought Arthur. 'There's no way he's evil. This is Merlin. This is Merlin sacrificing himself for Camelot, like he's always done. This is my best friend,' he thought, getting angry with a Morgana and Morgause. He didn't even notice himself call Merlin as a friend. 'This is my most loyal and best friend, and they're killing him.'

"This can't go on," Arthur said aloud. "We need to find a way to escape."

Before Merlin breaks.

"We need to wait until Merlin is back with us," Elyan said. "There's no way we can fight our way down there to get him."

"We also need to break into the weapons chest and get Merlin's sword back," Lancelot said. They group looked at him quizzically.

"We hardly have time for personal effects," Leon said.

"The sword is enchanted to kill the undead, and has many other magical properties, and Merlin said it would be very dangerous to fall into the wrong hands. Morgana hasn't realized it yet, if we're lucky. If we're not, we will have bigger problems than an immortal army."

With all that had been happening around Merlin, the group was disinclined to question anything more for the moment.

"Alright," said Arthur. "The weapons chest is at the far end of this tunnel. However, I don't know any way out of the castle other than the front way."

"That's alright," said Gwaine. "Merlin knows all the back ways out."

Everyone looked at him.

"He's a servant," offered Gwaine. "They always know the secret ways out. Plus, what about all of the people that have conveniently escaped over the years? That can't be chance, now can it?"

Arthur was visibly annoyed by this lack of security. "Well at least now it's working to our advantage." 'And after then, I will have some serious questions for my servant,' Arthur thought.

The sounds of their plotting were missed under the screams of their friend.

A little while later Morgause returned.

"Clearly you have quite the tolerance for physical pain, my young friend," she said.

Merlin spat at her. "I am not your friend."

"Oh, we shall see about that, Emrys." she said.

She held up an arm band with the face of a Goblin, and the body of a monkey engraved on it.

"This is the band of the Mare," Morgause said. "A Mare is known to bring on bad dreams. It's magic, when woven into a band such as this, can bring a persons worst nightmares to reality. It's effects can even last after it is removed."

"So if you can stand up to physical pain of the Nathair, lets see if you can handle this."

Merlin could feel, the object was filled with evil magic. He wanted nothing more than for it to go away, but he knew there was nothing he could do.

She clasped it around his arm and left. Initially, there was nothing but the sound of Merlin's ragged breathing and the pain from the magic suppressors. Merlin had even begun to think he'd avoided its' magic.

Eventually though, Merlin began to hear them.

The voices of everyone he'd let down, everyone he'd betrayed.

He heard the Druids talking to him. "Why haven't you saved us Emrys? Why didn't you save us?"

Merlin tried to ignore them, because he knew they weren't real. He held out.

The voices of the children screamed. "Why did you let Uther drown us? Why didn't you stop Uther? All those chances, you could have stopped him!"

Merlin couldn't help himself but answer.

"I couldn't! If Uther died that way, Arthur's heart would have hardened forever."

"But he did die, by his own daughters hand. And now she slaughters us too. Why can't you stop Morgana, Emrys?"

Merlin's eyes welled up. "I don't know! I'm not strong enough!"

"You're not really Emrys, are you?"

Freya's voice rang through the dungeon, and she was standing before Merlin as sure as the sun.

"You lied to us, Merlin. You can't save us."

Merlin began crying. "Freya, please. I did everything I could..."

"No you didn't Merlin. You didn't save me."

Merlin's heart filled with sadness. "I miss you so much, Freya. I wish every day I could have saved you properly."

"But instead I'm trapped at the bottom of a lake forever!"

Merlin said nothing. He knew that Freya was happy there, and that this was brought on by the enchantment.

But suddenly the scenery around him changed, and he saw the physicians room in the castle. He was speaking to Gaius.

"You've failed Camelot, Merlin. It was your destiny to save us, and you have failed."

Merlin began outright crying. "Gaius, I tried! I swear..."

Images began swirling around Merlin, the dead and living crying out to him. Telling him he wasn't really Emrys, he was nothing, he couldn't save Camelot. He was not the man everyone expected him to be.

It wasn't until later that evening when Merlin was returned to them, Morgana simply saying,

"Keep him alive. We'll need him tomorrow."

Merlin fell to his knees as the cell door swung shut. He was barely conscious, swaying where he kneeled.

"Woah there," said Arthur, catching Merlin and guiding him to the hay pile in the corner of the cell. Merlin was shaking in his arms, and his teeth clattered against one another.

Merlin made a sound of pain as he was laid on the hay.

"We saved you some food again," Elyan said, passing over another chunk of stale bread.

The moment the Nathair's bite wore off only the pain from the arm bands remained, but his magic being crushed under its weight was more than enough for him to still be in excruciating pain. His voice was broken and nothing came out except for a harsh whisper.

"Thank you," Merlin whispered, nibbling on the bread.

"Merlin," Arthur whispered, "We're going to try and escape. We need to form a plan, but only you know the back ways out of the castle."

Merlin was already on the edge of unconsciousness. "Need magic... To unlock... Gates..."

"No," Arthur said, shaking Merlin. "You have to stay awake and help us form a plan."

But Arthur's pleas fell on deaf ears, and Merlin was already lost to the deep.

As Merlin passed out, the rest of them resolved to find an uneasy sleep, and to question Merlin about escape when he woke.

Merlin slept fitfully and woke frequently, each time having to keep himself from crying out in pain. He couldn't sleep because of the agony of having his magic suppressed, and woke up frequently in the middle of the night.

He denied himself the luxury in front of Morgause in the cells, but he was alone and everyone else asleep; he left a tear fall from his eye. One after another, he let himself feel the pain, physical and emotional, he was in. His magic would not stop fighting against the suppressors, and he could feel he reserves building up inside of himself. Soon it would leak past the protection, but he was sure he would be able to control it when it did.

Merlin was scared he'd hurt Arthur and the knights when it did; was scared he'd hurt Morgana and Morgause and get punished for doing so. He was scared Arthur wasn't accepting him; he'd seen barely anything of the man since he shouted at him in the throne room. Arthur had just lost his father to magic, only to find Merlin betray him.

'Everyone was right,' Merlin thought desperately. 'I am not a great sorcerer, I can't save anyone. Look at the position we're in now.'

He heard the people talking to him still, whispering in his ear. 'you are not a great sorcerer, you are a great liar! You have betrayed your friends and you deserve what you get.'

Merlin heard shuffling next to him, and saw Arthur sit next to him. He knew his eyes were still faded gold from the arm bands, and so closed his eyes for Arthur's sake.

"You don't have to," Arthur said quietly.

"Don't have to what?" Merlin whispered back.

"Close your eyes for me."

Merlin opened his eyes, and let his gaze fall on Arthur.

The first thing Merlin noticed is that Arthur was not looking at him with hate. Or rage, or disgust. Arthur was looking at him balefully; almost as if he was sad.

And Arthur was sad. The man before him was a powerful sorcerer, but that did not stop him from being broken down and in chains. It did not stop him from enduring torture for the sake of Camelot, and it did not stop him from being loyal to Arthur. Arthur recognized the weight of the choices Merlin made, what little he knew of them, and realized he could count on Merlin's loyalty more so than anyone else in Camelot.

And besides, Arthur didn't have what it took to hate Merlin. His eyes made him uncomfortable, but Arthur would find a way past that. Merlin and Arthur always saw past each other's masks.

"When you admitted you were a sorcerer, to save Gwen, you weren't kidding."

Merlin shook his head, and turned it away from Arthur, and began crying for an entirely different reason.

"Merlin, talk to me" Arthur said disapprovingly.

"You aren't going to execute me, are you?"

Merlin heard the voices of everyone, even Arthur, in his head. 'we don't accept you, we will execute you, you have committed crimes against Camelot, you have practiced magic, and you knew what that meant.'

Arthur was going to reproach him for thinking such a thing, but he held his tongue. Hadn't he been considering doing just that, not twelve hours earlier, with Merlin lying unconscious in the cell? And in Merlin's position, that was a perfectly legitimate thing to be worrying about.

"No, and I won't banish you either. You've proven yourself to be the most loyal subject I have."

Merlin stopped and looked at Arthur, encouraging him to continue.

"You believed in me so much, in the future I'd bring, that you hid in Camelot for years, almost half a decade, waiting for me to be king. And if this hadn't have happened, you would have waited even longer."

Arthur's face turned angry. "I'm still extremely angry over what you did, and you'll be having a right talking to when this is all over, but you're still my friend."

Arthur's face softened again. "And if you, of all people, are doing magic, then I figure I have to give it some credit." 'because you are the most unselfish and forgiving person I know,' Arthur thought.

Merlin gritted his teeth and hitched his breath as pain rolled over him from the braces, but leaned back against the wall in relief. Arthur didn't hate him, and wouldn't banish him for what he did.

Merlin still couldn't block out the voices from earlier. 'you are not Emrys, you are not a great sorcerer; you can't even escape from this cell.'

Unbeknownst to Merlin, he began mumbling under his breath. "No, it's not true, leave me alone."

"Merlin?" Arthur asked. "What are you hearing?"

Merlin looked over. "Nothing, sire."

Arthur knew he never said sire if he could avoid it. "I'm here to talk to, Merlin." 'Like I wasn't before.'

Merlin shuddered and took a breath. "Morgause used a bracelet... Crated from magic from a Mare. A mare is a creature that brings nightmares; the bracelet causes people to hallucinate, and see their worst nightmares come to life."

Arthur blanched.

"She took it off, but I can still hear them." Arthur turned his head away.

Arthur didn't want to ask who 'them' was, especially not now, when Merlin was beginning to open up. He knew enough that to let people open up, the best thing to do was be quiet and let them talk on their own time.

To Arthur's disappointment, Merlin did not speak (to Arthur at least,) anymore that night. Arthur got on the ground near where Merlin sat and fell into a fitful sleep, wary of what tomorrow would bring.

The knights woke up the next morning to find Merlin gone.

"Where's Merlin?" said Gwaine.

"They must have taken him in the night," said Lancelot.

Gwaine banged the walls in frustration. "Couldn't even let him sleep!"

"He wasn't sleeping anyways," said Arthur.

Their conversation was interrupted by a bang, as the walls in the cell were blown apart. Dust and rubble was blown everywhere, and the knights were blown to the back wall of the cell.

Arthur got up, brushing the dust from his eyes. Pushing rocks away and looking up, he was stunned into silence by what he saw.

Merlin, holding himself shakily up against the wall. Merlin, with his hand outstretched and eyes on fire, had just blown apart the cell wall. In his other hand, the sword he held was adorned with glowing runes along the blade.

"Come on!" he yelled, stumbling away.

_Merlin awoke to find himself shacked in the cell previous, the band of the mare again on his arm. He was woken by the cries of Freya._

_"How could you," she said. "How could you let your best friend kill me? Why didn't you stop him? Why didn't you save me?"_

_"Oh look," said Morgana. "Look who's woken up."_

_Merlin opened his eyes and looked up from his position, hanging on the wall._

_"I have another piece of jewelry for you," she said. She held up a ring like, the one he had seen so long ago, at the tournament of Camelot. A young sorcerer wore it in the tournament; it amplified the power of his magic. _

_"This ring can amplify the power of a sorcerer, as it is enchanted by the old religion. I wondered what it would do to you, what it would put you through, while wearing those." She motioned towards the magic-suppressing cuffs. _

_Merlin feared the worst; his magic was already unstable from the bands and it threatened to lost control already. With his magic so precariously balanced, he did not need the danger this ring presented. _

_Morgana slipped it on his finger, and the flood gates opened. _

_Merlin could not see or understand what was happening; he felt his magic explode outward, through the barriers of the cuffs. It was more painful than anything he experienced; he did not hear himself screaming as his magic exploded outward. He ripped himself from the chains that held him up, and collapsed on the ground as the whirlwind of rubble swirled around him. _

_Merlin opened his eyes, and through his pain he saw Morgana had been knocked unconscious. Not only Morgana, but all of the guards around his cell. The door had been blown off it's hinges, and the surrounding wall was broken down. _

_Merlin struggled to get up, running as fast as he could. His magic was still exploding outward, but he attempted to control it as best he could. He held his hand in front of him, and knocked back any guard that attempted to catch him. Immortal, yes, but they could still be knocked unconscious with magic it seemed. He didn't know how long that would last, and so rushed on. He stumbled up the stairs, and in an attempt to unlock the possessions chest instead blew it apart._

_He grabbed Excalibur, and saw the knights cell. He ran towards it, again meaning to unlock the door but instead blew the cell apart. _

_Merlin's knees buckled, the pain threatening to tear him apart. _

_"Come on!" he yelled, as best he could. He ran off towards the exit, making the assumption that the knights would follow._

He ran through the halls, barely keeping track of what was going on. His vision blurred dangerously, but he knew the way out of these dungeons blind. Every time he saw motion in front of him, he directed the magic flowing from him towards the motion. He did everything to stop his destruction from harming the people behind him.

His head all too frequently slumped down, his eyes merely following the floor. All of his energy was directed to keeping him running, even using his own magic to support his body in motion. He thought dimly that it probably wasn't healthy, but this wasn't a time to be worrying about that.

He got the knights outside, taking the ring off. Merlin knew that that noise and destruction would only hinder them in an attempt to hide from the soldiers.

He gave it to Arthur, trusting him to keep it safe. If Arthur was going to keep him safe, now was his chance to prove it.

Merlin ran off without waiting for the knights, but they didn't need telling twice; they sprung up and ran off behind Merlin.

They were unarmed, but it didn't seem to matter.

Arthur was floored by the power Merlin was showing; even with what was supposed to be magic-suppressing shackles, Merlin was destructive beyond compare.

The boy looked to be in unimaginable pain as he stumbled along the hallway barely remaining upright. He could feel wind and energy around his servant, and it was affecting their surrounding. Tapestries they passed ripped into shreds, things being knocked over as they passed. However, he merely held his hand out and knocked unconscious every immortal man that attempted to stop them.

The warning bells rang, but it didn't seem to stop Merlin. He stumbled along a route Arthur had never seen, taking service tunnels and back routes. They began to crawl through tunnels, tunnels he expected were drainage tunnels.

Arthur looked back to see soldiers closing in on them. He opened his mouth to yell back to Merlin and warn him, but before he got the words out the immortal knights were thrown backwards.

Arthur let his mouth hang open momentarily as he followed his servant. Eventually they came upon the end of the tunnels, and Merlin again blew the end of the tunnel apart in an effort to escape.

Merlin got barely ten feet before collapsing to the ground. Arthur ran to his side to help him up.

"Don't lose this," Merlin said, handing Arthur a ring. It was hot and the runes on it were glowing.

"I won't," Arthur said, slinging the boy over his shoulders.

Merlin didn't even try to protest as the knights ran into the forest. Merlin made sure to stay conscious, covering the tracks with the last of his wild magic before he slipped away.


	2. Chapter 2

Unconsciousness was a blessed time of silence for Merlin. There was nothing; nobody screaming at him to tell him what a failure he was, no bothering about whether or not Arthur accepted him; just the peaceful silence of nothing.

Like all good things though, it must come to an end, and so it did for Merlin. He felt himself rising to the surface, slowly and unhappily. He could feel an aching beyond compare in his limbs, and could feel blisters around his wrists like fire. He twitched his fingers experimentally, but that brought a surprising and severe amount of pain to his healing arms, and resolved not to do that again. It was then that he heard voices around him.

"He seems to be waking"

"Merlin, can you hear me?"

Merlin could hear the crackle of a fire as he struggled to open his eyes. He felt something being pressed to his mouth and a warm liquid being poured down his throat; he felt no desire to fight back and drank a little of whatever it was happily. However, Merlin could not succeed in getting his eyes open and quickly drifted away again.

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Merlin floated back, and this time there was a lot more hustle and bustle that he could hear. Many people were talking, some close and some far, and it had the sound of a lively village. He figured they must have gotten away to safety somehow, as he felt himself lying on a bed with sheets around him this time. It was then that he heard the voices that he thought he was free from.

_"Come on, Merlin. You needed all that help just to escape from Morgana and Morgause?" Gaius's voice mocked him in his sleep. _

"_We thought you were Emrys..." Freya's disapproving, condescending voice wavered over him._

Merlin didn't open his eyes, didn't want to see them staring down at him. He started pleading with them in his minds, pleading them to please understand, he was only doing what he had to. He didn't want any of this.

"Gaius, he seems like he's waking up." Arthur's voice mingled in with the others.

"Merlin, it's okay, you're safe now," Gaius's voice entered into Merlin's consciousness, and only then did he become aware he was voicing his thoughts out loud.

Merlin snapped his mouth shut, and warily opened his eyes.

Gaius was sitting over his bedside, looking on with concern. Already he had out a bowl of broth and was attempting to feed him some, before Merlin had even gotten his bearings. He lifted a hand up to push the spoon away for a moment.

Arthur was standing near the edge of the tent, as though he was just about to walk out but turned to look at Merlin. Before Merlin could get a good look at Arthur though, he walked away hurriedly.

The tent resembled Gaius's quarters at Camelot, with bottles and things strewn everywhere, and having a semi-permanent look. He could hear the people outside still, bustling about doing their business. He could only guess that this was the refugee camp.

"Arthur told me about how you all escaped," Gaius said. "About how you, specifically, did all of the work." His countenance took on a disapproving look. "You spent a lot of your energy."

It was then that Gaius raised the spoon to Merlin's lips again, and would have none of his swatting it away this time. Merlin didn't have the stubbornness in him today, though, and happily ate.

"How's Arthur," Merlin asked.

The both of them knew what he was really asking. How was Arthur with Merlin's magic?

Gaius sighed, and searched for a word as he handed over the broth to Merlin.

"Unstable would be the most apt description, I think." Tutted Gaius. "I don't think he's going to do anything rash though." They both knew what he meant by rash.

"He goes from one day, being very highly concerned about you, to the next insisting he can't be seen doing such a thing. He has ill-timed fits of anger as well about the whole situation. Been questioning me for days."

"I've been out for days?" Merlin replied

"Four, actually. We managed to feed you a couple times, but I couldn't tell you how aware you were. They got you back here on the first day, Morgana and Morgause won't venture into the Valley of the Fallen Kings, so we hid here. All of the refugees."

Merlin looked at Gaius. "So Arthur's told you about the cup."

"He has," replied Gaius, "And he said as soon as you are fit you and the knights of the round table will go to Cenred's kindgom and spill it, so that Camelot will be free."

Merlin mused. He was very glad Arthur was still taking him along for this, trusting him enough to do so. Arthur was handling this much better than Merlin thought he could have at this point, as it seemed Arthur's main point of contention was that Merlin had not trusted Arthur, not that Merlin had magic. Any reaction where Arthur didn't execute Merlin was a good reaction in his book.

Gwaine popped into the tent at that time. "Merlin, my friend! You are with the living again!"

"Yeah, unfortunately for you all," Merlin joked back. Gaius got up to make himself busy with other things while Gwaine took his seat.

"Arthur's been a real git since prison," Gwaine said frustratedly.

"Gaius told me as much," said Merlin. "But any day Arthur hasn't executed me is a good day in my book," Merlin joked weakly.

Gwaine didn't react at all, and kept his concerned eyes on his friend.

"He'll come around you know," Gwaine said. Not a man for emotional speeches, he clapped Merlin's hand and said "So when do you think we'll be ready to leave for Escetir?"

"Just give me a day or two, and I'll be good enough to ride out," Merlin said. "I assume Arthur wants to get going as soon as possible?"

"Everyone does," said Gwaine.

Those few days in bed passed slowly for Merlin. He had lain in bed while everyone else was busy fighting the witches in some way, which just left him doing menial tasks for Gaius like cleaning bottles and crushing herbs. But soon enough, the day came that they left for Escetir. Gaius and Gwen waved the knights (and Merlin) off, and they were on their way.

They traveled in plainclothes, keeping neutral armor hidden under their clothes in case it came to a battle. They knew highwaymen and bandits traveled these lands, as well as immortal soldiers, and wanted to be as inconspicuous as possible.

That evening they had made camp in a clearing, and the knights were glad to finally be taking action again. They spoke animatedly, Gwaine telling tales of barmaids from long ago. Merlin was away from the group, attempting to start a fire for the rest of them.

Arthur turned away from the group to watch Merlin try and fail to start a fire.

"Why don't you use magic," Arthur said dryly, the words laced with a challenge. He regretted the words the instant they left his mouth, as everyone turned to look at Merlin.

Merlin locked eyes with Arthur, and Arthur saw the gold encircle his eyes fully as the fire started behind Merlin.

'He didn't even need a spell,' was the thought that crossed everyone's mind.

Merlin turned and walked quickly away into the darkening forest, not looking behind him. Lancelot moved to follow Merlin, but the rest of the knights held him back. Their friend had had a rough couple of days, and certainly needed a moment to himself.

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Merlin stalked away into the forest, scrunching his face in emotional agony. Arthur said it was okay in the dungeons, but now he had been avoiding Merlin all week. The only time he'd met Arthur's gaze in days was just now, when Arthur mocked Merlin there on the spot.

Merlin just wanted things to be okay between him and his best friend. That's all he had ever wanted, for things to be okay.

He hadn't been seeing or hearing the effects of the Mare anymore, it's black magic having worn off. However, Merlin still thought those words in his mind, desperation taking hold.

'Kilgarrah was definitely full of it,' Merlin thought. 'I'm not fit to battle a bandit, let alone an immortal army, let alone help Arthur bring about Albion!'

Merlin kicked a tree stump, crying out in frustration when he stubbed his toe. He sat down and put his head in his hands. His thoughts left him as he felt the despair coursing through his veins.

He wanted very desperately to be anyone but Merlin right now. Someone else could have a go at being Emrys, at having to change Arthur and the whole of Albion. Merlin was tired of losing people he loved, either to hatred of him or death itself. He felt this exhaustion every day, as a heaviness in his chest. It settled in his heart the day he killed Nimueh, and had never left.

Merlin was so, so exhausted with being Merlin. He felt itchiness under his skin, an eagerness to get away from being himself. But he knew he could not escape, as Kilgarrah had made mention of many times before. Destiny was always at his feet, a shadow that chased him. Destiny was a force Merlin was done with, but Destiny was not done with him. Merlin had so hoped that it would leave him the hell alone.

Merlin's hands dug into his face as he curled into himself. He was far enough away from the camp that he was shrouded in darkness, but he could see the fire and his friends while they could not see him. He was happy to defend his friends to the last, but how much longer would that be? And how many more would he lose until then?

He was so angry, he could feel his magic bubbling under his skin, reacting to his emotions and ready to lash out. He stood abruptly, not noticing the fire leaping up momentarily with him, startling everyone at the camp. Arthur's eyes whipped towards Merlin with a suspicious gaze on his face, while everyone else looked at Arthur reproachfully. Lancelot got up, waiting on Merlin no more to calm down, and walked out towards the dark shape in the forest.

"Merlin," Lancelot said, when he was close enough that no one would hear. Merlin turned to Lancelot, his eyes full of anger and frustration, but did not say anything.

"It is gonna -" Lancelot was cut off by Merlin's hand in the air, stopping his words.

"I'm done with people telling me that," he said shortly.

"It's true," Lancelot defended.

"That may be so, but when will it be okay? Tomorrow? A year from now, ten years from now? Saying it will be okay in the end is little comfort, when for all you know that end is death alone."

Merlin's angry, defeated tone floored Lancelot. This was Merlin, the ever-hopeful light in all of their lives. Lancelot knew more than most Merlin struggled with a lot of pressure, but even he did not know a lot of it. Merlin had proven to be a very secretive person.

"Leave me be," Merlin asked of the silence, sitting down on his tree stump again.

"We're here for you," Lancelot said as he clasped Merlin's shoulder as he was walking away.

Lancelot heard the statement Merlin threw over his shoulder after him.

"He's not."

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Lancelot walked back over to the group just as Gwaine spoke to Arthur.

"You know he doesn't mean any harm, Arthur..."

"Yeah, but what if he does?" Arthur shot back. "If we - If I accept him, since the rest of you have clearly already made your choice - If I accept him, and he isn't who he says he is this time, I will have been a bigger fool to trust than my father - " Arthur choked up and stopped talking.

His father died mere days ago. His father died at the hands of Morgana, who was also just weeks ago a beloved friend. His father died at Morgana's hand _just _for the knowledge that Merlin, his best friend, was a sorcerer. It was unbelievable. And he'd be damned if he was going to let a sorcerer fool him again.

It was true, Arthur had not yet divined the reason _he _saved them all from the dungeons. It was surely because he himself had some sort of plan for him and Camelot. And since this was the cause, it obviously was, he could not fathom why all of his most trusted knights, except Sir Leon, trusted him with unwavering loyalty. Even Gaius had known for years, and defended him.

It stung Arthur more than anything to know Gaius had betrayed him and plotted against him, but he knew Gaius practiced magic before the purge. It was as his father said, the call of magic is too tempting and darkens mens hearts.

"Arthur," Percival began with great gravity. "You have been to many lands and seen many things in your travels as a prince, but you saw them through the eyes of the Prince of Camelot, the land that executes sorcerers." Percival spoke slowly but with much weight, as had always been his way. "There are lands, many lands, where magic thrives and it does not corrupt the hearts of men. One of these lands, as you may not know, is Caerleon. King Caerleon may have claimed not to tolerate it in order to avoid war with Camelot, but this claim does not represent reality."

Arthur looked up with anger in his eyes, the anger of a man who's worldview was being shattered before him.

"It does not matter!" Cut Arthur through the solemn Percival. "I have lost both my parents to magic now, how could it not be clear to you that magic is evil?"

Percival looked up at Arthur and spoke loudly and clearly, sitting up for effect. For a split second, the large man intimidated Arthur.

"Both my parents were lost to the sword, but would you claim that the sword is evil because of this?"

Arthur desperately wished not to see the logic in Percival's words, and turned back to the fire angrily. He pretended not to see Gwaine and Percival cast sidelong looks at each other before going back to cooking dinner.

The question on Arthur's mind was this; why would Uther have hated magic so much, pursuing it's end with so much fury, if what Percival and the others believed was really true?

A memory, unbidden, sprang into Arthur's mind. A memory of Morgause casting an apparition of his mother, and Ygraine telling Arthur that she was sacrificed by magic to bring Arthur's life.

And he remembered Merlin, telling him Ygraine wasn't real.

Arthur put his head in his hands and tried to stop the realization from coming. That was exactly like his father, to blame someone else for a mistake he made. And with the costs so high, the fallout had been so very grave.

His father hated magic with a passion because he had made a mistake so very long ago that had cost Ygraine her life. And Merlin hid it from him.

"I can't believe you!" He roared, in the general direction of Merlin. The others started, and made motions to stop him as he got up and stormed towards Merlin's shape in the trees.

Merlin stood up as Arthur came towards him, and Arthur cold-cocked him in the face.

"You lied to me!"

Merlin looked at Arthur, not trusting himself to not say something inappropriate as he felt the blood rush to his new black eye.

The others caught up to Arthur and Merlin, and made an attempt to restrain Arthur. Merlin waved them back.

"We should probably talk about this alone," he said to Arthur just as much as the others.

As the knights walked away again, Arthur lowered his voice.

"You lied to me again," He said, with just as much venom as before.

Merlin raised his eyebrows. "Again?"

"Do you remember when we went to Morgause, and she... she cast a spell to show me my mother?"

Merlin blanched and nodded.

"That really was her, wasn't it?" Arthur's anger faded, despite himself, and felt his voice drop in sorrow.

Merlin closed his eyes. "I am sorry."

Arthur dipped his head forward and pinched his nose as he was wont to do. He looked up, eyes full of sorrow.

"Why would you lie to me? Why did you say she wasn't real?"

Merlin turned his head away. "Even if what she said was true, you would have regretted ever hurting your father. One mistake on his part does not make him a contemptible man."

Arthur was dimly aware that a sorcerer being empathetic to Uther the magic-killer was beyond ridiculous, and was floored to hear Merlin speak of him with nothing more than venom. At the same time, this both elated him and upset him, filling his mind with yet more contradictions.

What Arthur was overwhelmingly aware of, was the great lengths Merlin had gone to simply to preserve Arthur's emotions. He was beginning to suspect Merlin wasn't planning to overthrow him, just because he doubted Merlin could be this highly skilled a liar.

He needed advice more than ever, needed his questions answered more than ever, and standing before him was the man who could do both.

"How could I even begin to believe magic isn't all bad when magic is sitting on the throne in Camelot?" Arthur glared at Merlin accusingly, as if it was his fault that were true.

"Magic itself isn't what sits on the throne, Arthur, it is your sister."

Arthur ignored the reference at their shared parentage.

"Morgana, the Morgana we knew, would never do something like that."

Merlin turned away, pained. It occurred to Arthur that Merlin may have known more about this than just recent events.

"She changed, Arthur."

Merlin said this, voice twisted with a sadness, almost a guilt, that Arthur couldn't begin to understand.

"Why?"

"Because of Uther's tyranny," Merlin snapped. Arthur opened his mouth to defend his late father, but Merlin cut him off. "No, Arthur, I mean it. If Uther had found out about Morgana, she would have ended up on the pyre in a heartbeat. Not two years ago she had fledgling magic that was weak and untrained, and Morgana was scared that the slightest accident or fright would end up with her on the pyre. She knew only that she did not choose the magic she had, and that Uther hated it senselessly. How well would you have fared in her position?"

Arthur chose not to follow that question to it's logical conclusion, denying the obvious truth.

"Fledgling magic?" Arthur sneered. "Sorcerers have to choose the evil that is magic, _Merlin, _you would know." Arthur's disgust for Merlin bled through his voice.

Arthur's words clearly cut Merlin to the core, but he ignored them in favor of the progress they were making in this conversation.

"Along with Uther's determination to wipe out magic, knowledge of all things magic were wiped out. If it weren't, you would know that people cannot choose magic. Some are born with it, and to leave it wild and untrained can actually be of more danger than knowing how to use it. Because wild magic can strike out with people's emotions, and then a young woman's fright ends up burning half the castle down."

Merlin put his head in his hands suddenly. "Uther must have known this when he began his crusade..." Merlin poorly hid his anger and distaste for the late King of Camelot.

Arthur didn't like this. Frankly, he wished it was the way it was when he was a child. If Merlin was right, and you didn't choose magic, that meant the countless people they'd executed over the years, teenagers and children, random peasants and others... they all had been executed for something they could not control. They were not plotting against the crown, but were innocent victims.

Arthur's disbelief must have been evident on his face, because Merlin said reproachfully, "If you don't believe me, just try to learn some magic yourself. You wouldn't be able to - even if you tried."

A small, off-task part of his ego was offended that there was anything he couldn't do, but he shook it off quickly. So many innocent people he had watched die.

He had just watched his _sister _kill his father - he should be mourning the king's death, not questioning his defining royal decree and overturning it in his mind. Arthur's breath hitched against his will, and he forgot that he stood in front of a sorcerer or that his views on magic were changing. All he was aware of was that his father was indeed a fallible man, and that Arthur was altogether too young to be realizing this and overturning his decisions. Altogether too young to lead a kingdom.

Arthur's eyes welled as he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up into the blue eyes of Merlin, his best friend.

"Your father was a good man at heart," Merlin said, the irony pulling at the corners of his mouth. "He only meant to do right by his people, and in many matters he did just that. Do not make the mistakes he did, and you should be proud to be his son."

Arthur found himself agreeing with Merlin in his heart before his head caught up to himself. _Mistakes!?_ his ego roared. _Father was damned well right to pursue sorcerers!_ Arthur flinched as the thought entered his mind unbidden. It was very hard to rail that all sorcerers were evil when staring into the eyes of one who happened to be his best friend, and the most kind-hearted soul he'd ever known.

"I'm so mad at you for doing this to me," Arthur muttered. "Things were better when the world was simple. Magic was evil, Camelot was good, and that was that." Arthur had meant to lighten the mood a little, and was surprised at what he saw.

Merlin's hand fell away as his head dipped towards his chest a fraction, eyes downcast towards the forest floor. Merlin drew his arms up to his chest.

"That's why I never told you," he whispered. "I trusted you to the ends of the earth - but I didn't want to do this to you." Merlin brought a hand up to his face, pinching his nose and futilely trying to hide the tears rolling down his cheeks.

_Such a girl,_ the familiar part of Arthur lobbed at Merlin.

Arthur gave Merlin the most aggressive hug he'd ever given anyone, and he'd given a lot of aggressive hugs. It was almost comical, the way Merlin hugged Arthur back with a limp lack of resolve, not even making an attempt to hide his emotions anymore.

"You're such a girl," Arthur sneered, giving as much insult to the insult as he could. Arthur was finding his resolve to be angry fading quickly.

As soon as Merlin quieted, Arthur cast Merlin from the hug as quickly as it started.

"This isn't over," Arthur warned angrily, stalking away from Merlin and back to the camp. Arthur was done with all of these emotions, and entirely not ready to accept Merlin's sorcery as all right.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"So what kind of magic can you do?"

Gwaine was poking Merlin, incessantly annoying him as he tried to clean up camp the next morning.

"Lots, Gwaine. I might even use it on you if you don't shut up."

Gwaine was unperturbed. "What's lots mean?" He was clearly looking for a way to leverage his friend's newfound talents for mischief.

"None that will get you into the pants of a barmaid, Gwaine."

"Really?"

"No, but I'm not helping you do it anyways." Merlin secured the saddle securely to his horse and leapt on.

"Leave him be," Elyan called after Gwaine playfully. "Arthur's been giving him a rough time as it is."

As Gwaine launched into monologue about the prattishness of their now-king, Merlin realized Elyan was right. Arthur had been particularly hard the day or two after their conversation, taking out all his frustrations with life on the servant. They had not talked since then except for Arthur to hand out orders, and Merlin supposed he was quite all right with this reaction. It wasn't as if he wasn't completely at fault for this whole situation, either.

Seeing Arthur and Leon head up the party from the front, the two locked in their partnership, only made things worse. Leon regularly cast Merlin glares which made it plain Leon did _not_ trust the warlock, and Arthur had spent a lot of time talking to Leon - in fact, he really had only talked to Leon at all on this trip.

The fact ate away at Merlin's heart. It did not help the festering sadness deep in his chest, which felt like at any moment it would collapse and cave in on itself. In the years that he had known Arthur, there were too many things that had gone wrong on Merlin's watch. Not even one year into their acquaintance, magical beasts and threats were presenting themselves right and left. He supposed that first year was not so awful, for even through it had gotten very close with Tom and Arthur they had all made it through all right. Back when Merlin still felt hopeful about his destiny, still had the emotional health of youth and a determination to do good. But after losing Freya and losing Morgana, he feared who else he would lose in the upcoming war. After seeing the crystal cave and all that would await them, Merlin was no longer so sure about the future that lay in front of them. Judging by the way Arthur was treating him, he was hoping for merely an honorable banishment.

Merlin saw the glint of Excalibur at Arthur's hip as they rode on. Arthur had taken it for himself after they escaped, not that he had protested much; he knew the blade was meant for Arthur alone. As kind-hearted as Merlin was, he knew Arthur to be the only incorruptible one of them all. Which meant that whatever happened to Merlin was probably for the best after all.

"Halt," said Arthur, and all the horses came to a stop. The forest was quiet, too quiet - the sign of something bad to come. And come it did.

Immortal soldiers charged from the forest deep within the borders of Escetir. 10 or so men leapt out at them from behind trees, and it was all the knights could do to keep the attack at bay.

Merlin defended himself with a sword like any other man, but only Arthur's blade succeeded in killing the men. The men were fierce in battle, and only every couple of minutes would another soldier dissolve under the force of Excalibur. Merlin was worried that by the time Arthur took care of this, one of the knights would end up hurt.

It only took Gwaine's cry to convince him to use what he had been born with. He turned on a dime with his arms outstretched, and blew the soldier back to where he knew Excalibur to be. The solider touched the blade and dissolved.

"Thanks!" Gwaine shouted.

Merlin smiled, always happy to hear the word. "No problem," He said, grinning broadly.

Arthur only looked at Merlin and continued to battle the immortal men. Merlin took this as permission.

Merlin called to the skies as he did with Nimueh. It was times like this that he began to believe that he was Emrys, whom the Druids claimed he was.

"**Andetta mé ende sé dæl áncorlíf sylfum þás neæs æðeling!**"

[Let me end the half-lives of these undead men!]

Merlin reached his arms up to the sky, and pulled down with it lightning that struck each of the immortal soldiers. They dissipated, as if Excalibur struck all of them in their hearts.

Merlin felt a sudden weariness overtake him, and collapsed to sit on the grass. He had never attempted such powerful magic before, had never even thought to.

"Why didn't you do that earlier," Arthur cried, intruding on Merlin's peace.

"I figured you still weren't too keen on magic, as you weren't talking to me," Merlin panted. "Better to let you handle this on your own if you could."

"So you're saying we couldn't handle it?"

Merlin opened his mouth, and then shut it. "Arthur, they can't die, and you're the only one with a sword who can 'end' them. I figured I'd save the rest of you from possible injury."

"He did save my skin," Gwaine said. "I'd have been skewered if he didn't blast one back into your magic sword."

Arthur seethed, unhappy that he was happy about a magic sword. Merlin still hadn't gotten around to telling him the real truth of Excalibur's creation.

"We can get on fine without your help - " Arthur's face turned, but he stopped the word, whatever it was, before it left his mouth. Instead, he said "...Merlin." Arthur turned and walked towards his horse. "Besides, you've always been useless in battle anyways." Arthur tuned to look at Merlin with an almost-smile in his eyes, before turning back to ride his horse.

The rest of the knights had the good grace to look astonished at this accusation of Arthur's, but Merlin smiled. He would never admit it to anyone, but Arthur's teasing was a trait he did not want to say goodbye to anytime soon.

He couldn't help but feel though, that after everything he'd been through, it wasn't enough. He had done so much for Camelot, been through so much and killed so many, that these days it was hard to cope.

Merlin had felt the change in himself far earlier than Morgana's coup. It was a weariness that settled in his bones while doing Gaius's chores at the end of the day, a heaviness in his limbs from knowing that Arthur knew nothing of what he'd done for Camelot. Merlin desired only that Arthur and the rest knew what he'd done and be thankful for it, but he desired that more than anything else in the world. And after five years of loyal service, he felt that he wasn't going to get it.

These days, it was hard for Merlin to rouse himself out of bed in the morning to perform another day's chores. It was hard to smile and banter with Arthur, when Arthur knew nothing of who he really was and would hate him for it when he did. Merlin felt the lie that was his life crumbling in on him with each passing day, and in that prison Morgana made for them they finally fell.

Merlin may not have told the rest, but he had been suffering from nightmares of his imprisonment. Though only a few nights, the experience had scarred him more than anything else. He had nightmares of the pain at his wrists, of the surging flaming power that the ring had brought with them. Arthur had given the ring back to Merlin, and he kept it hidden safely away in his pack. Merlin supposed it was a vote of confidence that he gave it back at all.

Merlin was just thankful his nightmares had not roused him noisily in the middle of the night, as the last thing he needed was for the knights to know what the torture had done to him; how it made him jumpy during the dark when sudden noises lurked from the forest, and how in that dim moment before fully waking he was always convinced Morgana had come back for more, when it had been in fact only Elyan waking him for the day's ride.

Merlin didn't even admit to himself how the others haunted him in his dreams, Arthur most prominent as he spit in his face and called him a traitor.

o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"We're finally here," announced Arthur.

They were at the edge of a forest, and in the clearing stood the city of Escetir.

"So how are we going to get in?" Lancelot asked casually.

"Why don't we steal guard's uniforms and sneak in?" Merlin suggested.

"That may work if it were just the knights, but you don't exactly look like soldier material," Arthur replied.

"You could tie me up somehow and claim I was a prisoner," Merlin suggested. "Or I could just walk into the city like a normal person and meet with you somewhere. I doubt they'll take notice of one peasant."

"How can you know that?" Arthur asked.

"Camelot never does," Merlin replied, knowing the frown of anger that crossed Arthur's face was coming.

"All right," Arthur said, taking control of the conversation, "We'll need a way into the castle. We could sneak in - that would be better and keep our presence secret - but as of right now we do not know any subtle ways into the castle."

"Lets take servant's quarters entrances," Merlin said.

"But won't there be guards there?" Elyan asked.

"Princess's magic sword can make them evaporate before they make noise, one or two shouldn't be a problem at all."

"If I cast a silencing spell before we do anything on them, their making noise won't be an issue at all."

"I guess that settles it then," Arthur said. "When the night patrol comes round, I'll take them out by stealth and we'll steal their uniforms. And Merlin, you can dress... like you."

Arthur and his horse trotted a little ways back into the forest, and began to make a camp. Merlin used his magic to look far down a forest path, and found a few deer grazing.

"Would you knights like deer for lunch?" He asked cheerily. They had not had good game to eat so far this quest.

"Yeah!" Gwaine said. "But how are you going to get one? Magic or no, you're lousy at hunting."

Merlin pointed behind himself to his left without even looking. "There's some deer down thataways, I can stop it's heart before it even notices I'm there."

"That's impossible Merlin, you're too clumsy." Arthur entered the conversation awkwardly, and Merlin and the others were so happy they ignored the awkwardness it added.

"I'm only clumsy because I had to balance my magic inside. When I'm free to use it, it is much easier to do... anything, really. I mean, you try being a knight and graceful and quiet when you're trying to do something like balancing a pot on your head 24/7."

The others looked at him with bemusement.

"Oh, I'm trying to explain!" Merlin said with mock frustration. "It's hard for me to not use something so central to myself, that's all." And Merlin stalked away amusedly to the deer, admittedly with all the grace and stealth of a veteran knight.

The others did have to admit, he had been far more graceful on this trip. He mounted and dismounted his horse swiftly, snuck behind cover quietly, and never tripped. What's more, there had been an otherwordly air to the servant since his secret had been discovered.

Lancelot always likened the feeling the servant gave him to being around the Griffon; an air of power and age that had nothing to do with physical strength.

When Merlin had reluctantly told them that he was a warlock, a creature of the old religion and magic itself, they had certainly believed him. No mere mortal could exude the air Merlin now did.

But Merlin did not know any of this; he only knew the joy that not having to hide the feeling of magic swelling through him brought. He used his magic like he would sight or hearing; it touched everything he encountered and measured it all, judging it help or harm. He had only had a chance to do this a few times, while picking herbs for Gaius out alone in the woods, and certainly never with people around.

It was almost as if they had an aura, and each person had one unto themselves. Gwaine, although cheerful and lax and frequenting the bars, had a streak of pain from a childhood only Merlin knew about, a stripe of black in his cheerful glow. Lancelot had the air of nobility everyone associated with him, despite being nothing more than a commoner. Merlin could see the honor in his heart ran deep. Percival had a hidden wiseness to him, cast in a misty blue around the quiet man. A terrible past had only served to make him keen to help, he could tell. Elyan was fierce and loyal, and protective of the ones he loved. He had fire in his heart, although his calm demeanor disguised it.

Arthur, Merlin could only say, was made of gold. He meant nothing but the best for his people, and even when he had no reason to always struggled to find the truth. Merlin could see now more than ever why he was the Once and Future King, for he had far more pure of a heart than Merlin ever would.

Finally, Merlin happened upon the deer clearing. He picked the smallest buck, and stopped it's heart in one fell blow.

"**blódseten recondlic sylfum áncorlíf**"

[stop rhythm of life]

The others darted away at their companion's sudden end, and Merlin walked towards the buck. He used a levitating spell, and it's corpse followed him back to the campsite - Merlin knew attempting to carry the awkward thing would only exhaust him, and why not use a magic so eager to help.

That is, until he got back to the camp and dropped the buck beside them, without a wound on it's body. Gwaine raised his head to look at Merlin.

"You've been holding out on us, mate!"

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't have been very fair if I hadn't," Merlin reasoned. "I can sense game from a mile away and kill it before you'd even see it."

Merlin's words carried unexpected gravity the moment he said them.

"I, uh," Merlin stammered. "Lets just cook this, shall we?"

Percival, Elyan, Gwaine, Lancelot, and even Leon broke out in laughter at their friend's predicament. Arthur's face widened into a real smile, one Merlin had been missing for days.

Merlin scoffed at the band of ruffians and set about skinning their lunch and dinner.


End file.
